Spending time with my favorite second family - crawfish boil, beer, tacos, ping pong tournaments, siblings siblings siblings everywhere. I feel privileged that I am so deep in the mix.

Newcomers take a lot of time to figure it out; how proud was I that I was having someone constantly whisper into my ear, "who is that, again?"

"Wait, is that a brother of yours?"
"Yes. That's my brother Luke. That's my brother Charlie. Oh, that's another brother, Tom. That's Danielle, my sister. Oh, and Lucy is my sister too."

--

Robbie (21 years old) broke the pinanta and then scrambled for the candy on the ground with two three year old girls.

--


"John, is there anything I do that doesn't make you mad?"
"Shut the fuck. up. And why isn't this open," he said, shoving his beer at me.
Believe it or not, that is the truest love.




Also, at one point in the evening, I thought: "Damn, how many adults here had to bail me out when I got my MIP?? Can I get a rollcall?"

Answer: Five.

I had something genius to say, but I forgot it. Please accept this in its stead: http://duht.blogs.sapo.pt/336670.html

I am never one to post videos, so you know its important.

I'm sunburned. You can see where my bathing suit used to be.

My room now has one wall that is entirely mirrored - very porno home-decorating. It's jarring to see myself all the time. I just discovered what my back looks like in a t-shirt: scapulas showing.

Yeah, it's fucking boring, but it was the first time I had ever seen it.


---

"Don't let strange men into your apartment," Mom said.
"Or your life," Dad said.

My hair is so long. It envelops me.

I'm 21 years old, and for the first time in my life, really, I have a bed that's bigger than a twin. It's lonely; I am lost in it.



I want to lose ten pounds, just for the hell of it.
I had two classes today. I made it to one. Whoopsie.

I can already tell that my new favorite pastime will be looking at beautiful couples in love - and they are everywhere here - and then seething.

Edit: one just rode past my window on a fucking tandem bike.



---


I am remembering the value of falling asleep to music.

Turns out 5 am is the best time to drive around and listen to a new CD.

There's no denying where you're from: I heard "The Dance" off a jukebox today and could've cried.

It smells different here, and I gave John his first real haircut in eight years.



"It's how adults say hello." There's something great about feuding with people you love; alternating 'shut the fuck up's with 'i love you's and those smiles.

Last night reminded me about all the good parts of Houston: one long table full of maybe 25 kids (not kids, we're adults now), all laughing and joking and telling bawdy stories and kissing each other's cheeks. It was amazing, really.

Driving home at four in the morning, listening to "Kill the Moonlight". The perfect end.

I also spilled two beers on myself, in true Taylor fashion.

----

Different names with different people. With my oldest friends, it's Tay (this is rare). With Raleigh it's Taylor Pine. In Pittsburgh it's S.S.T.S. Rosie says Tilly and my family will sometimes still say Iya.

And everyone I meet for the first time thinks it's Kayla.

----

"It's not good, but it's the best we can do."

swam

swam in what little clothes i had, and it was okay. yeah i forgot to post today.


---


The part that's so fucking poetic is that I almost never wear underwear. But the one day I'm wearing both sets of underwear, allowing me to go spontaneously night swimming, they happen to BOTH be made of really light mesh. So it's like I still had to swim naked. Hi-larious.

Went

Went to the track, the ponies octupled my bet. "Don't call them that," B said.

What could I even say about today? I'm exhausted in a completely new way.

transfixed by tile.
tired eyes and drug tummies.






to new york!

I watched the senior art students graduate yesterday. That was a new feeling. "If we said anything funny, it's because we're very sad. And I was going to read a sad quote, but instead I will just tell you that I am very sad. But thank you."

Saw Vaughnie there, for the first time in a long time. "I just watched my class graduate without me." "And how does that feel?" "Happiest day of my life."

I put all these pictures up but then I realized that was dumb so I will leave you with this instead:


My year in sum.

"I'm always thinking about the same things: Life. Death. Love. Sex."
- Julian Schnabel

Hey, me too!

---

Reading through your old e-mails is like finding a diary you never knew you wrote. Or rediscovering your first language you thought was forgotten by now. My heart was being tugged on, reading all that.

"Your 20s are muck and shit and pain and loneliness and horror"
- Douglas Copeland

i put this in lisa's card when she turned twenty. and now i'm 21 and that was years ago.

paul says tell about the silver skies. "ummmm.... this is what we should do all summer. not do anything. just sleep and watch tv. and make art. not do anything."

perfect.

I feel like I'm having the teenage experience I missed out on then, when I was too serious or too scared. Everything is fraught, fleeting, frivolous, frustrating, fun. Fateful, maybe. Also beautiful and exciting, but I didn't want to mess up my streak of words beginning in F.

On the ground, squished between the chair and the bed: "Looks like we're caught between a soft place and a soft place."

Going to bed, thinking back on the day and squealing, kicking legs in the sheets.

This is the most fun time of year because everyone's in-between. Paul and I are occupying our friends' huge vacant house for a few days. Everything is like a sleep over!

me: my hair looks good!
me: i got a deep conditioning treatment
Judy: hurrrrayy!!!!
me: soooo shiney, like yours
Judy: its good to hve your 21 yr old daughter jealous of the 51 yr old mom's hair!!!!!!
me: mine's longer though.

Essential in the mother/daughter relationship: neither can let the other party feel too good about themselves.

---

The Rite Aid version of Tampax Pearl is called Tampons Opalescent.

"So there's one less star in the sky. Well, who cares"

No. 6 Bill Callahan - "Vessel in Vain" from Retread Sessions on Vimeo.

My first thought upon seeing this - especially that freeze frame on the preview window - was 'damn, Bill Callahan got old!' (sorry Bill). But as soon as he starts to sing, I realize that I am powerless when faced with that voice and I still would do him in a hot second (you're welcome Bill).

W.W.S.S.?
When the power goes out in the grocery store
you just take, take, take.
Just take, take, take.

----------

In honor of my main man B.C., here's some other great things he's done that I was recently reminded of.

"I took your party invitation list and wrote 'enemies' across the top of it.
Then I asked you to go on a short drive with me,
So I could point out some more of our enemies.

Drive with me, scowl with me
I put my hand on your knee and say:
'To your left you will see
Some more of our enemies.' "


"I remember entering you, entering you.
I'm going to be drunk, so drunk, at your wedding."

Julius Caesar I think is some of his best. It is so raw and rough and just bad (but good). Admitting those nasty thoughts you wouldn't normally ("There's nothin' I'd rather see than for you to fail. And where is the beauty that I once had?") and being pretty open about the fact that he is sick of himself and feels like a total loser. Those qualities are pretty ubiquitous in all the early 90s albums (also my life, which is why I love his work so much).

"Some people shouldn't go to parties
Some people shouldn't drink wine at parties
Some people shouldnt've woken up this morning"

That one strikes a particular chord with me.
Also I was reminded of the genius of 'Be Hit' ('Got some advice for you friend: seems my sensitive touch can be given by any ol' schmuck').


Baby Bill.


Take me.



And finally:

Most of my fantasies are of making someone else come.

the end.

I like to say yes as often as I can. If nothing else, you end up with more stories. On that note: it's time to nap, since I didn't sleep until the sun was coming up today, and only an hour at that.



Oldie-but-a-goodie-if-maybe-somewhat-contrived quote:
"The thing is, I really like saying yes. I like new things, projects, plans, getting people together and doing something, trying something, even when it's corny or stupid. I am not good at saying no. And I do not get along with people who say no. When you die, and it really could be this afternoon, under the same bus wheels I'll stick my head if need be, you will not be happy about having said no. You will be kicking your ass about all the no's you've said. No to that opportunity, or no to that trip to Nova Scotia or no to that night out, or no to that project or no to that person who wants to be naked with you but you worry about what your friends will say.

No is for wimps. No is for pussies. No is to live small and embittered, cherishing the opportunities you missed because they might have sent the wrong message."

I hadn't eaten all day yesterday, so at my friends' end of the year celebration at their storefront, I filled myself on jell-o. It happened to be mixed with vodka and contained in a multitude of small cups.

I am a goddamned college senior. Say it with me: wtf.

Last night I went to a video screening of my friends' work. It's those little payoffs that make the other shit worthwhile - coming together, fraternizing, appreciating each other's good work. I got a good thing going on. There were fights over the playlist, there always are, but Jen and I got some Beyonce in and she effectively broke it down: Keds, romper, Tom's baseball hat. Hot.

J. got her Tarot read in class:
"This means there is some negative energy floating around you right now..."
"Oh no - that's true! I'm so mean!"

Played "Meet me at the Mall" last night. Insane. I lost, but my cardboard character actually looked just like me, so I say I still won.

Recent choice quotes:
"Everyone loves you because you have such long hair."
"Let's go outside and talk about sex."

Don't forget this: at the bar, with artist friends. Shootin' the shit about the painting critiques and what it's like to defend your parents in the dating world. Nostalgic music playing all night. Nostalgic music = Red Hot Chili Peppers, et. all, just like 'dreamlike' = no faces, blurry details. We left as 'Closing Time' by Semisonic was playing. Could it be more perfect timing?! Every single person I saw as I was walking out was mouthing the words, starin' down into their drinks or looking at their friends:

'I know who I want to take me home.'

It was like walkin' through a goddamned slow-motion music video.

ACC asks some hard security questions.

What was the name of your first school? Well, I don't know, what's the first school? The Little Yellow Schoolhouse, where my mother withdrew me after they physically dragged me from the car? My short-lived stint at St. Michael's, where I was withdrawn hastily again for some other grievance? Grace Elementary + Middle School, that little haven?

What is the name of your best childhood friend? Again, a toughie. What time period? Plus, I can only remember things that happened within the past week or so.

--

A quality I appreciate in people: not believing in the concept of TMI.
Details details details!

--

One post a day was a dumb idea. I'm sorry, internet. LESS IS MORE. Stop forgetting that, Tay.

--

The constant interior struggle of 'details details details'/'less is more.'

Weirdest day today. Weird day yesterday, too.

I watched a boy shoot off a beer bottle cap with a lighter directly. into. his fucking eyeball. It was one of those "ha ha, that sucks, betcha feel dumb" moments, until he wouldn't get up off the ground or stop screaming.

I found Tom in his studio today at 1pm, laying on a pile of spray painted stuffed animals and paper, wearing sunglasses. A half-empty forty was next to him. We split the rest. And yeah, I've got stuff to do, but I'm going to be fine, and I can think of hundreds of more important things.

You know what, I SENT a post from my phone, today, at like 10:30 pm. whatever. bed time.

Yesterday was the art awards picnic, my favorite day of the school year.

- There is no other day/event where so many art students and faculty are in one place.
- There's food and everyone is chatty and happy and mingling in good weather.
- Then the awards are announced and there's always drama and some big fall out.
- Then you usually end up getting drunk and yelling about how fucked up everything is. The day ends on a low note, always.

It's great.

Jon summed it up best when he coined it "free food and disappointment." This year was no different.

Oh no, what did Rosie O'Donnell say to me in my dream last night, as we were having a heart to heart on a swingset? It's already slipping from my mind.

I think it was, "I'm proud of you and confident in your life."

Thanks, Ro.

Holy shit it's May.




Everything is better midday. Four in the afternoon is the best time for a vice, Jen and Ted decided. I would have to agree.


I went out with art friends last night. This is only a small taste of what I woke up to, all over my body:

I lifted up my shirt this morning and gasped. Small surprises.