Dang, I forget to post again yesterday. It's hard when your day is full of:

- breaking into a pool, tanning from the moment i awoke till 6 pm.
- drinks with a friend
- taco bell
- 4444, watching Tombstone, a definite forerunner in the most ridiculous movie ever category. Kurt Russell, you have outdone yourself.

--

Some people see the compliment in everything; I am the opposite. But as long as you smile at me when we're parting ways, I will assume things are fine.

--

My dad said, "Maybe you should come home on the 10th," and I said, "I don't want to leave Austin," and my voice cracked and I cried.

Appetizers and apéritifs. Practicing to be Ladies Who Lunch.

"taybabe
comin back on tuesday, thats tammara here. might be up in austin within 24 hours. i got so excited about a marathon trip back home and CHINA that i couldnt sleep last nite. i laid in bed and listened to the sirens whiz around Belfast and thought about everythin, and i felt so lucky to be alive and to be the luckiest guy i know."

I feel really lucky too. Thinking about my friends, and wanting to hold all their hands. There's always more than you think.

Don't really want to do this but I feel like I should:
WWSS?
Keep some steady friends around
Best thing to do.
Find a little place to go when you have to get away
But don't stay away too long, because we love you too much.
...
To build your own house might be best
with a fence all around
but don't forget to put in a gate
so you can have some steady friends come around.




It's my show!
I must go!
With my soul!

I did so much yesterday. I wish I could be like Andy Warhol and have my assistant call me every morning and take down everything I did the day before.

-Taco Cabana, take I.
- Spoke to Lisa.
- Finally bathed.
- Waited around for my brother and his friends to get drunk enough so I could take them to FIJI ISLAND.
- Clown car of screaming drunk boys completely blocking all of my windows and mirrors. Because they had six or seven boys in four seats, they had to sit on top of each other and made me drop them off a block away so as to not look gay. Really.
- Connie comes over
- Julia and Tara come over. Tara is from Australia, and it's the most predictable thing to say, but it was fun to listen to her speak.
- Eric comes over
- Jennifer comes over
- Eat/drink at Quatro's. I don't remember if I put money in for this but I hope that I did.
- Then...... something I can't remember.
- Dinner with Ricky. I felt like I was being rude. Got to ride on his motorcycle - most fun thing I have done in a while.
- Get completely lost in South Austin, somehow.
- Party at Grace's who is consistently a beautiful, lovely hostess. I asked Connie to hold my hand wike a wittle baby. Thinking of Julia dancing to Fats Dominos is making me smile now.
- Taco Cabana, take II ("I would buy everyone Taco Cabana!)
- Mabel's with Ryan. Laugh uncontrollably.
- Walk Connie home.
- Bedtime 4 am.

Maybe instead of wondering What Would Smog Say I should ask myself what Andrew. W. K. would do. Right now I think he would say "I'm not ever going to bed again."

Returning to my apartment after a few days catting around town. I am filthy. Like running-around-Toronto-with-Callum dirty - in a constant state of recovery from all the unhealthy things I have subjected myself to, insane kinky hair, loose pants, looking shit life, but also kind of rocking it.

Brother called: "I'm just making sure you're alive."

I have learned to always take sunglasses with you, even if you are going out at night. Because chances are you will probably end up with your face in the carpet or in strange sheets and you will want them in the morning. Speaking of laying on the carpet ("A carpet is one big couch with no borders"), I found myself laying down in someone's apartment I don't really know, trying to escape the heat. We watched Definitely, Maybe, which you don't recall, but it's that Ryan Reynolds (twoguysagirlandapizzaplace) movie with Amanda Breslin (littlemisssunshine).

Once it was over I said, "Wow, I never thought that in my entire life I would ever see this movie."

Unexpected life moment, even if it was small.


---

Oh yeah, probably some of the best lyrics ever:
Things begin.
Things decay.
And you've gotta find a way to be okay.

Why we're put in this mess is anybody's guess
it might a test.
Or it might not be anything to worry about.

---

"I don't know if he was really into it. I doubt it. He doesn't really have a backbone." - Oh, Con.

WWSS?

WWSS? And so i dance in dirty pants. (no really. they're filthy.)

It's another one of those "Oh Shit, I'm kind of like, an Adult" moments:

Each of us has a time period when we were "in the best shape of my life." And we always get together and talk about it sadly, usually while holding a beer in our hand.




W.W.S.S.?
No I am not easily led
I'll turn my head
when you come at me with a spoon.

W.W.B.C.S.?
"I look at my hands and I don't know what they wrought in the past. Are they the hands of a bad man? I used to be an artist. I don't think I am right now. I don't know if I ever will be again. I am something else. I was a student of personal strife. I ran with the wrong crowd early on. I tortured myself for a song. I thought it was the way."

amazing.

Oh, yeah, we did it. No one adds us back because they think we are spam.

My plan is to record songs using entries that I wrote in my 6th grade journal that was recently discovered after nine years under my parents' mattress (great hiding spot, young me). I'm already becoming the Lars of my fake band.

My cousins just moved here; they call the 2222 highway "two two two two" instead of "twenty-two twenty-two." Little things.


If I never called anyone, I don't think I would get a phone call for days. Possibly a week or more.

W.W.S.S.?
There will be one thousand rats
Swimming one thousand shores
So, I'm not lonely anymore.
...
Now that I've realized I've got two hands,
not four.

Spent the last few days with extended family - so rare we ever have that many in the same place. All my mother's siblings (Marty, Jimmy, Timmy, Ricky) were there except for two (Tommy, and..... Jeff).

Nice to see married couples who still love each other, and hug each other from behind and say 'baby' and make eyes at each other. Also nice to see parents who love their kids so much, and basically geek out over them, and the kids do the same thing back.

Got drunk and spilled a beer on myself in bed (while sleeping) and slept in it until the morning. Class act.

I am going to be extremely heartbroken to leave Texas. Moreso than ever.

Called my Summer Buddy, one of my oldest friends at this point (crazy).

"What's up?"
"I'm having an afternoon cocktail."
"What? I can't hear you. I'm getting my afternoon cocktail on."

Simultaneous afternoon cocktails?
"This is why we are a SB match made in heaven," I said.
"Too good to be true," he said.
"Dream team."


It is still - and always has been - possible to have adventures in the everyday. Important to not forget that. "Everyone's heart is full of blood," or however it goes.



Ada, or Ardor: haven't thought about this book in a while, but goddamn, it was amazing.
"They sat, facing each other, at a breakfast table, munching black bread with fresh butter, and Virginia ham, and slices of genuine Emmenthaler cheese – and here’s a pot of transparent honey: two cheerful cousins, “raiding the icebox” as children in old fairy tales, and the thrushes were sweetly whistling in the bright-green garden as the dark-green shadows drew in their claws. "



Johnny Depp: Most Boring Celebrity Crush.

Batman Midnight showing

Tracy's review: "Dark Knight; so tight!"
Maggie's review: "Oh, I need a hotdog, I don't even understand what just happened."
My review, in Tracy's words: "I couldn't ruin it for you, even if I tried."

Other notables:
- Maggie talking about her 'black heart' phase - everyone has one, and everyone has different names for them.
- Oh yeah, in class yesterday: "You are so wonderful. Look at you. So smart. Did your parents hug you?"
- Laughing with Tracy on her front porch, 3 am: "You know, everything happens for a reason." And we are laughing like the girl hyenas we are while we hear her neighbor's front door lock click.

Oh, gawd, all I ever do is look back and laugh at everything that has happened. Retrospective laughter: 1/2 embarrassment, 1/2 oh well.



Yesterday after a torturous 2.5 hour class where no one (adults! these are adults!) knows how to use a fucking ruler, I watched Labyrinth in the park. Tracy left and didn't come back for a long time.

Me: "Tracy, I was so worried about you! I didn't know what happened!"
Monty: "You didn't look so worried when you were asleep on the grass."
Me: "Well that was my way of dealing with it!!!" (shrilly voice)

Went on a walk with Monty. Sitting in a tree, talking about his time in the slammer:
"You know how everyone in jail says they're not guilty? Everyone in jail really is not guilty."

Saw my friends play a good show. Schmoozey events. Speaking into the ears of my friends, hand on the crook of the elbow; we take turns talking and listening, like we're using tin can phones.


Old WWSS:
I lay on the bed in the dark, laughing at the things I think of.
Getting off on the pornography of my past.

What did I dream about last night? Witnessing a horribly violent hate-crime against my friend, being forced into group prostitution, being held at gunpoint with my face in the asphalt, having to chop my own nose off my face three times and then chop off other people's to paste onto my (bloody, noseless) face, various murders and other gruesome shit, and anal warts (yeah, I know).

So, no, I haven't been sleeping well, and I couldn't tell you why because things have been going really well.




Most Metal Dreams?






---
I like seeing people I don't know with hickeys, spotting them in line at the grocery store or whatever. Colleen had a monster one two days ago, and Jesse had one last night; while he was wonderful, '70s performance art and new media art are not the same thing.

Tickled. Pink, too, 'cause I spent the day swimming.

Those are nice feelings.

These pictures of Sienna Miller and beau really warm my heart. Remember what I said about casual nudity? Cute. Aw.

There is nudieness in the picture, obvs.

"Definitely accosted people and was totally inappro."
"That's your M.O."




Casual nudity - awesome, and hard to find. Well, not at art school, but everywhere else, pretty much. Something I've been thinking about.



Don't forget that girl saying:
"Is this your latest attempt?"

---

Class got out early because of a fire alarm. While waiting around for a long time outside, I got to participate/listen in on the funniest conversations of the women in my class (all mommas) talking about trying to have sex with their husbands/boyfriends/fiancees and not being able to because their kids won't leave them alone. I know you had to be there, but just picture like a group of sassy woman all screaming and laughing and using the funniest outdated innuendo (aka "THE URGE") and screaming "OHHHH GIRLLLLL I didn't think you were gonna go there! But you DIIIID!!"

Best: "I tell them [from the bedroom] 'I'm gettin' the belt!' and I keep it by the bed and I'll shake it so they can hear the jingle."

True: "You always have to make time for love." (Pronounced Luhhhhh-uv)

This should be my disclaimer, on my business cards and possibly t-shirts:
I'm kiiiinda a chump, but I mean well.

St. Edward's party last night - fun, but talk about being the odd one out. To compensate I acted out all night (inapro, for sure). Sorry, guys. Even though I'll prob never see you again. Just putting that in the universe.






KNOW THYSELF moment:
Leaving Molly's apartment and walking to my car, I fucking ATE IT stepping off the curb. I have no idea how it happened. It wasn't a collapsing fall, it was a projectile fall, and I was hustling too, so I had some speed going into it. My full body, stretched out on the street, rolling around. My tonic water bottle went flying to the other side of the street. A car was coming and I had to scramble out of the way. I'm sure it looked hilarious.


Aw, yeah: I was leaving Tracy and Julia and Chrissy at dinner (kinda rudely, see above disclaimer), and Tracy gave me a hug and a kiss and told me to be careful. That's what I'm talking about, that's what I love, those old friend moments. They just know.

My life would be a lot easier if I would fucking eat something once in a while. I just threw up an empty stomach.

--

On the plus side, Austin at 10:30 am on a Saturday morning is completely dead, a ghost town. Who knew?

--

Everyone's got problems. Matt has back problems, Kevin has money problems, Jen and I happen to have housing problems. It'll be okay.

--

"I hate waking up in the same clothes I went to sleep in," Chris said, driving me home. "I wore this shirt and these socks out last night." I pointed to my dress and said "Yeah, do you think this looks like pajamas??" It summed up the difference between Texas people and the way they deal with their lives. (Note to self: Mattissance/"IT'S YOUR YEAR")

--

Two lyrical mentions:

I'm the number one bomb
Don't tell your mom
Screaming my name as if it were Kahn
I don't have a problem with you touching my butt
But I have a problem with you not touching my butt.

and on a different note:

Sometimes I don't thrill you
Sometimes I think I'll kill you
Just don't let me fuck up, will you?
'Cause when I need a friend, it's still you.

Yeah it's super cheesy, but still whenever I hear it I think, you know, that really sums up a lot of things quite simply.




omg MIA's "Jimmy" is really the worst possible thing that could be playing now. Matt and Kim's "Silver Tiles" is a close second.

There's something to say about playing, and owning it/playing it cool + not giving a fuck + laughing a lot + stirring the pot, but I'm about to go out for drinks (I just typed 'drunk' by accident) so there's no time today.

Shared a bed with a friend last night; every dream I had was an adventure we undertook together, so we're side by side in bed and also side by side in whatever dream quest I was on.

In the morning we hid under the sheets and laughed when the AC guys were outside my open door. Our crazy hair was stickin' out the top.





Discussion over beers (because we are sooo adult now):

Top Ten Mice Movies (in no particular order)
1. Fievel Goes West
2. The Rescuers Down Under
3. Stuart Little
4. Rats of NIMH
5. Great Mouse Detectives
6. Fantasia - Mickey Mouse scene
7. Steamboat Willie (for history's sake)
8. Mousehunt
9. Tom and Jerry: The Movie
10. Cinderella

Honorable Mentions (but disqualified because they are rat movies, not mice): Ratatouille, Willard, Last Crusade

Summer schedules:

Woke up at one.
Made social calls from 3 pm - 8 pm, 8 pm - Midnight, and 2 am - 5 am.
Sleep at 6 am.
Wake up at 3 pm.


---


Tracy is back. I've been really heartsick for someone that is unquestionably on your side, and gets whatever you're trying to say. We left dinner together and stood between our cars on the little dirt road for an hour, talking instead of leaving. Keys in our hands the whole time. We laughed about "the haze of passion" (her phrase - the best) and some other things.

Yesterday (Sunday) I poured myself into bed with a Gin and Tonic, my new favorite afternoon-to-morning cocktail. This morning (Monday) I was interrupted from my fucked-up dreams to a phone call from a teary Jen.

Naked, grumpy (all I'd eaten for the past 30 hours was some flaming hot cheetos, a piece of bread, and Gin), still wearing my retainer, hand over my eyes, listening : "Did you check your e-mail? Josh kicked us off the lease."

"Hold on, I'm making myself an afternoon cocktail," and poured myself back out of bed.

What a waste of make up, as Molly says.

--

I knocked one of those popping beetles off of my ceiling, and now I can't find it. No doubt it will lay eggs in my face tonight. My fucking life.

The weekend was full of good deeds. I picked up a little puppy dog that was wandering the dark streets after debating it with my friends - do you think he is lost? Or just moseying around? My parents' reactions were just as I imagined - I showed up with a big box of beer AND a new dog; my dad wouldn't even look up at me.

Awhile later a suburban pulled up and a Texas dad - they have doe eyes, and accents - and his six weepy girls all come pouring out, fawning over the dog as I passed him over to them. "He just freaked out by the pool and ran, and we didn't even know where to start lookin'. We were so worried. Come here, you crazy dog."

Probably the best thing I will do all year.

--

We also rescued these two girls who were stranded in the lake on a broken jet ski, but the dog story was cuter. Not just one weepy kid, but six long-haired girls, each one a different height.

Country matters.

Country voices, country vices.

I always feel most at home in Texas, but still whenever I show up to functions people's eyes widen and they double-take: "Taylor?! What are you doing here?" And then I remember: Oh yeah I don't live here anymore, and I feel like a visitor.

I met a man named Polaris, "like the jet skis," he said.

I had the worst nightmare this morning: one of those where you don't know you're dreaming until you wake up with a jolt. Fighting with someone I used to know, a real stomach-turning, snotty, screaming, crying fight. I even got pushed down on the ground. It's going to be in my head all day, I can feel it.

---

Now that it's dusk, looking back on my morning (mourning, ha ha, get it?) self:

Three good things from my nightmare:
1. Post-nightmare consoling. There was hair petting.
2. I was reminded of the Weezer B-Side "Knock-down drag-out" and sang it in my head all today.
3. Plus, gotta cherish any chance at catharsis and extreme emotions, however they come, because it's rare. Apprec it.

Today was.... well. Tight. There were like twenty opportunities for everything to go badly, and at every turning point, everything came up with my name on it.

---

Nice moments: running errands with Jess, it starts to pour. Texas rain, where you can't see anything two feet ahead of you. Looking at the people walking down the street from inside the car. They were resigned to the fact that there was no way to avoid being completely soaked, walking their normal pace to wherever they were going, t-shirts transparent and sticking to their skin. Walking home only a few hours later everything was dry and I had to put my hand up to shield my face from the sun.

---

Hey guys, life rules. AM I RITE?!?!?
I'm rite.

I am a fucking cad, for sure, but I can still be at least a little charming, when I put my mind to it.

At least I think I can. Maybe I'm a cad and in self denial.





W.W.S.S.?
I've raised a sick child to your lips
And in asking you to kiss what I would not kiss:
Oh, I know I have strayed.