Woke up on Audrey's couch at 4:40 am - shoes on, feet on the floor, the dog curled up next to me. Huh. Last thing I remember we were watching X-Men 2 ("Man, this movie is AWESOME!!"), and then I'm alone in the early morning underneath a blanket.



When I talked to Walker about my book, he said, "As long as there's no naked pictures of me in there, I don't care."

Oh shit. I'm gonna have to re-edit.

"Well.......do you mean naked pictures like photographs? Or drawings?"
"I'm talking about actual photographs."
"Oh okay. You're good."

At the moment, Pittsburgh is desolate.

I can't take care of myself. I barely feed myself - there is just so much else to do, and who needs food when you have other vices? Can't shower for the same reason.

Video chatted with Amanda and Brian today for a long, long time. It's fun to share stupid stories with my friends, and seeing them on their sunny Texas porch, I felt like I was there, drinking Lonestars.

I pray. I pray, everyday.

Ah, look at the last post, it's still important.

--

Talked to Johnny for a while on video chat. Pittsburgh ---> China. The video lagged, and John kept wrinkling his brow close-up to the camera, and it would freeze on that while I could hear his voice (sounded like it was auto-tuned). Can't even really say what we talked about, even though I literally just got off the "phone" with him.

"Who you been running around with? Who's your Pittsburgh crew? How are they?"
"I mean, no one you know."
"Are you wearing clothes?!"
"Uh YES I am."



johnny: o tay tay
publishin and mommin
move to france

me: i miss it
i was following my friends through a creepy alley to get to some bar recently
and he said, "suivez-moi"
and i died
and i know you're making fun a bit but that's okay.

johnny: it's just a constant hum
barely audible
(the making-fun)

--

Had a brief run-in with Sharon Needles a few days ago - he came into Ant's kitchen and I sang a few lines of his song to him and he sang some back to me.

"Uh.. Iknowallthewords," I said, covering my face. It was true.

--




Oh yeah, this image somehow didn't make it into the book. It sucks (it sucks SO BAD), but I keep coming back to it:

(you can hear "Jon and Kate + 8" on in the background. Also the video is flipped. Ulll.)

Okay, I want to take a second to talk about this, because I didn't talk about it in the book. I feel some need to contextualize the images in the book - or maybe I don't? Do they speak for themselves? It is unavoidable that there are things represented that I wouldn't stand behind now, or aren't involved in now. Also, like most journalistic art - I am thinking of songwriting in particular - there is so much more to say when you are sad (not to mention the time to say it, since you aren't like, having fun or anything).

Talked to Walker on the phone for a bit yesterday. It was somewhere between a warning and asking for permission.

"I mean, you're in a lot of it. And most of it's good. There's like... one thing that looks like I really hate you. Two things. But ypu know I don't." (This goes for everyone)
"I would never tell someone what they can and can't publish, so..."

Oh, artists. 'Make sure to never do it with a singer 'cause they'll tell everyone in the world what they were thinkin' about the girl', right?





But I can't stop flipping through it, because 1) Wow, it's done, it's here, and 2) I keep trying to imagine what someone who never knew me would think of me while flipping through it. I kinda sound like a hot mess. Or not? I have no idea.

--

3 years, yesterday. I think the 3 year mark is the moment where you realize you aren't as much of a hotshot as you thought.

--

Anthony's phone's welcoming message is "you are golden."

"Mine is, 'IT'S YOUR YEAR'," I said.
"So we both have positive messages. Has it been your year? Are you finishing stronger than you started?"
"Yeah, I think so," I said. "Actually, yes. Definitely."

Same as everyone, I always know what the right thing to do was thirty seconds after I should have done it.

Went out with Pauly and Audrey and Brian - accidentally went to Ant's show, which I knew about, but then forgot about, but then coincidentally showed up to, like a creeper. Talked to him and Jodo for a while. Did friendship. Brian ran into some friends who told him his paintings were in Art In America, but he wasn't credited. Man. Talk about leaving on a low note, crawling through the ally.

-

"Oh god, I have to take off my jacket. I'm glad it's dark in here. My face is maroon."
"You can still tell," Brian said, and I pressed my beer glass to my face and Audrey and I winked at each other across the table.

-

The other day Jen and Audrey and I ordered a Wing Zone feast (621-ZONE if in Pittsburgh, 370-BIRD if in Austin): it was our makeshift Thanksgiving, and as we sat on my studio floor (pow wow style) and gorged, we said what we were all thankful for.

I taught Jim the Slide-Slide-Slippity-Slide hand-clap game from elementary school last night - he is a prodigy! Honestly, I was amazed. I wish I had it on video. We made it to nine, but we had a lot of high streaks.

I also played with five little kittens.

--
Oh, god, the things that I do. I will never run out of material to beat myself up over when I am laying in bed at night. Jesus.
I mean, I'm laughing, but I'm crying.



--
My life lately has been dominated by bodily excretions. Puke and shit, to name two.

--
mead, mice elf, and isle.

not in a million beers.

- Call Women's Center
- Call Erin
- Call Ron
- Take picture for shrine painting
- Take Christmas picture. Make cards.
- Finish Senior Project Statement, Artist's Statement, Resume
- Find out when final crits are
- BOOK TICKET
- NY road trip? Toronto trip?
- Make piece for Living Room Handjob, scan, sumbit, yada yada.
- Holy shit, maybe make another quick book
- Food/hair shopping for thanksgiving
- BANK INSTALLATION. make advice frames, typewritten lists, oh shit that silk screen, paint paint paint, clean, vomit.
- Edit sketch-book-book, send out again.
- Get $200, print 20 posters.

I'm just going to stop there because that's enough to think about at one time.


--

"Ralliez-vous à mon panache blanc!"

Party at Brian's last night.

Social sin: when you are not dancing, and people try to make you dance. I will dance when I feel like it, thank you very much.

Someone sat next to me on the couch: "Taylor. Why aren't you dancing."
I hissed, "because I am sitting," before looking away.



Laid in bed this morning and took phone calls.
Now brunch with Pauly.

Two birthday parties last night - both fun, but Mary was the picture of the sassy birthday girl. Amazing, really. Waiting for us in her doorway as we climbed up the stairs, wearing tights but no shoes: "I'm so glad you're heeeere! I. am so. Drunk." Dismissing people who didn't leave quickly enough ("Goo'bah [goodbye]! I said goo'bah!") and standing in front of her cake: "Well aren't you going to sing??"

--

The cashier at Rite Aid told me, "Good luck."

Jen and I watched this video and tried to replicate all the dance moves for... a long time. Until we were out of breath. She was all dressed up cute and I was in heather gray head-to-toe sweats, wearing slippers, feeling bad for myself. Picture us rolling it to the floor in those outfits. It made everything else seem like it's going to be fine.

It's coming.

225 pages.

My more critical side feels it's an exercise in self-importance/embarrassment.
My cocky side thinks it's worth paying 60 bucks for.

The truth is somewhere in the middle, I'm sure.

Really, how crazy does Madonna sound/act here? Best part: 2:25.

--

Best part about last night: When Adam, Jack, and I all remembered and quoted Animorphs at the same time (roughly around 3 am): "HE'S GLIDING ON THE THERMALS!"





'Yeah I mean what else are you gonna do. You're stuck in a Peregrine Falcon. All your friends are at school.'

--

• VH1 TV Shows
• Music Videos
• Celebrity Photos
• News & Gossip

• VH1 TV Shows
• Music Videos
• Celebrity Photos
• News & Gossip

I went to school with this girl. Will this become a more common reoccurring moment in the lives of younger generations - seeing old classmates and friends talk about getting cockroaches in their vagina during a competitive reality TV show?

I realized at 6 pm that I had been wearing my dress backwards all day.

--

From 2003:


This is the best piece of artwork I have ever created.
I will never top this.

Dan's going away party - I showed my face and met a lot of beautiful, bright-eyed, banged girls. Laughing in the kitchen or out on the back porch. Talking about bed bugs and the jewelry gifted by Aristotle Onassis. Dan and Annie had a Free Box full of things to get rid of before the big move. I made out with a giant box of tampons and 100 tiny candles.

Everyone kept saying to me, "Oh, sorry, did I embarrass you by asking if you wanted the tampons? Is that weird?" I had never even considered either option! It was fun to leave with a economy-sized box o' tampons under my arm - I kept catching people doing double-takes.

--

Went to Ahi's/Claudia's/Caroline's/Lindsey's later. Shivered on the porch. I could hear Caroline from the upstairs bathroom: "She said she wanted whiskey with a splash of coke? What's a splash? Is this enough?? I don't know!!"

I broke a glass in the bathroom, and I broke a small statue at Dan's. "Very Taylor," Audrey said.

--

I'm a monster.

Talked to Callum today for the first time in months - he's coming here, or I'm going there, or something. I've been thinking about Toronto a lot lately; I miss it. I had so much fun the last time, catting around the city, dirty as hell, rolling with the punches. About time for round two.

We were laughing on the phone about crying while having sex.

"I love when people cry when I'm having sex with them. It makes me feel adult."

I love this kid. Miss him.

-

"I'm so bad, Callum. I'm so fickle. I'm horrible. And then I become really mean to people."
"You're just an asshole, Taylor. You're an asshole. That's all."
"Yeah, I know. You're right."

--

Another thing we talked about, which I have mentioned before, is that strangers in Pittsburgh are so nice and there is this unspoken sense of community and "we're all in this together" feeling, but they always seem mildy retarded. Case in point:

I walked the dog to Brian and Cooper's, the corner store I always call Cassie and Dee's by accident. It's raining. My hair is soaked, the dog is soaked. Tie Una up outside while I run in and buy stuff. Everyone inside is freaking because "Eddie from Fraiser is outside", so when I leave they all come to see the dog. It's still raining. Standing, wet, outside in the rain:

"Did you just give her a bath?"
"Uh, no."
"Huh. It's looks like she just had a bath."
"....it's raining. She's wet." WE WERE ALL WET.
"Wow it really looks like she just got a bath."


.........

parlor games.

--



Tay: it's funny scanning all my old sketchies for that book
Jen: i bet
Tay: 'cause the ones from tx after highschool are all just SO SAD. and i was so sad and doing drugs all the time.
Jen: aw
Tay: i mean, it's funny now, and it's nostalgic.
Jen: texas brings out your bad girl side
Tay: it really does. i kinda love it though.


this was actually a really moving conversation. it's nice to laugh with your friends about all the desolate things you used to do.
--

Oh yeah, I'm publishing a book, a curation of all my old sketchbooks (these date back to 2003, people). It paints me in a horrifying light, because I generally only have the urge/the time to make art when I am sad. Considered title: "the best of the worst". GET YOUR COPY SOON.

Phone conversation:

"Oh? You movin' in on my man?" I joked to Jen.
"Oh yeah. I mean, I'm allowed, 'cause you stole my man before."
"What are you talking about? When did I do that?"
"Oh wait. That was me. Sorry. Me, not you. I mixed it up."


--

Read an old journal I hadn't seen in a long time. Saw this part about talking to John on the phone:

"Are you okay?"
"I'm not crying, I'm laughing. I'm laughing at how crazy this is. I'm coming home to mourn two birds with one stone."

Which made me think of:

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral
At every occasion once more is called a funeral

--

My life is full.
Well, for poetry's sake I guess I should channel Moz: "And now my heart is full."

There just has been so much laughing and late studio nights and playing when we should not be. Fraternité. Drinking beer in our pajamas (me in the onesie). Snuggling my feet into someone's lap. Can't explain it - just dumb shit. Constantly surrounded by different groups of people you really like. It takes me three years to really find my extended social circle. Shame that I'm leaving already.

I watched Mike, Brian, Ottoleo, and Pauly kick a soccer ball around - today was the last warm day of the year, and leaves were falling heavily, and they did their tricks on the cut in front of the Art building, and the sun was going down, and and and and. I felt like a lil momma, watching her beautiful scrappy art fucks play in the lawn.

If I hadn't been there and was reading this, I'd be rolling my eyes back into my brain.

Why I love her:

I split my lip - well, okay, I cut it... on myself - and have been pouting 'cause it's distracting and looks like a cold sore, which I silently judge others on (sorry dudes). Everyone has been telling me "it's okay, you don't even notice!" or "you can barely see it!" or "it's not that bad!"

I see Audrey for the first time in days: she sits across from me in the computer lab and opens with "What the hell happened to your lip?"






-

She also left a wrapped copy of Judy Blume's Wifey on my studio desk. And yeah, I'm going to read it.

Wish I had a picture but don't:

Ignoring some boring movie at the Meade St. house - me, Mike, Jack, and Erin, all snuggling on the couch in our pajamas. I didn't have any pajamas with me so I wore Mike's dinosaur onesie. It zips up from the foot to the neck. The dogs - Una and Phaedra - curled up on the couch with us.

Last night I stayed up late, drawing with friends. Haven't done that in a while. Again, two dogs being lil curly puppies on the couch. This time it was Una and Inga.



Dog's with A-names. I love it. Beulah, Kalila, Inga, Una, Laika, Phaedra, and I know I'm forgetting at least two others. It's not a tradition, but it feels like one to me.

I'm proud of my friends. Not just those guys, too.

--

so much to do. so much tired eyes.
it's a little exciting, though.

People who get sad at zoos don't have enough stuff to worry about in their own lives.

"Hey, do you guys wanna meet Takeshi Murata? He's in there, we're talking about everything, it's totally relaxed. Come on in."

Oh, my life. Excerpt from an e-mail to a friend that sums my night up nicely:
"tonight was spent at an art opening/show - i fell asleep during the last video, doing that jerky-head-thing (anthony said: "i thought you were pickin' your nose or SUMTHIN.") then spent the last sound performance outside, smoking cigs. "couldn't i just put my ear to your stomach and experience the same thing?" i said to my friend jack. the answer is yes. i had the opportunity to schmooze with a very famous artist but didn't care. and i was tired of introductions and had nothing good to input into the convo so i passed. instead i stole the sample beer (the one on display so you know what kinds are available) and joked with paul about dumb shit (putting my finger in his asshole - i guess you had to be there).

i hope you didn't have to hear too much about the freshman, but that's what friendship is. sometimes you have to listen to your friends talk to themselves out loud. i do that a lot, and i am so much more grateful for my friends for putting up with it.

i'll be there in decembre and look forward to our time together. DID YOU SEE MY DAD'S TATTOO?????????????!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!"

--
speaking of:

hooooly shit. ladies and gentlemen, my father and his new sleeve.

--

I know!
You might roll your eyes at this!
But I'm so!
Happy you exist!

It's rare that there are so many people I know/like in one place - which is my favorite thing. Last night I was sitting on Jen's lap and we were whispering into each other's ears: "Oh, that's so and so. See that person? Yeah, that's.... blah blah blah." It sounds catty, but it's not. Let's call it modern social anthropology.

Dinner with my old boss - "Why do you still call me your boss?? I was never your boss, even when I WAS your boss! Everything we did was against the rules! I bought you alcohol, and you did my laundry." Oh yeah. I had forgotten about that. (Also, choice quote: "How many times would you fall down the stairs to get an abortion? More than once, right?" Oh boy. )

I took the bebe to my friends' art opening - 1) The show was amazing. Really great. 2) It was so fun to carry my lil koala baby around and play with him in such a social setting. He was charming everyone. And you know how I feel about charm.

Then Mike/Amos' birthday - I got dressed up and wore a nice dress I haven't worn in a long time and schmoozed and laughed and danced. My friends and I exchange our new business cards, straight outta American Psycho, even though we know each other's numbers. "Make sure you check out the back!" Jonny said. Fun fun fun.

"Damn! It looks like a tiger bit out the back of her dress! But in a good way." Thanks, Dave.

--

More on the socialite scene:
Today Spencer's playing a show, there's an animation show, Handmade Aracade, then various shows and events afterwards. Such little social butterflies we are.

--
I walked the dog yesterday dressed as the unibomber:

"How does it not occur to you every time you walk into a room that you are THE BADDEST BITCH in that room?!?!"

Aw, SB. You prolly don't mean it, but it's cute.

--

I know I'm old because I don't recognize anyone on the Real World/Road Rules challenges anymore.

--

HOOOOLY SHIT:

Tomorrow:
- 9 - 3 book class. Curate and scan images from all old sketchbooks. Finalize poster orders/what's happening with that. Talk to Kim about new book ideas. Buy supplies. Start/intense work on drawings for the portrait/pet series. omg. ...omg.
- 3 pm Drinks/food with John!
- 6:30 Babysit until ...11?
- 7 pm Take baby to Shmikea Frame Show. This will be interesting/fun. So fun!
- 11 pm Mike's birthday
- post party: Pack?? If possible?

Saturday:
- go to New Jersey?

Goddammit I get kicked off of every road trip I am ever invited on. Fuck dat.

Social engagements, constantly. I love this. It makes it impossible - impossible! - to ever do any school work. But I love it.

I'm a busy gal. And I always forget my phone, which makes it hard.

I shouldn't go to Jersey this weekend, but I'm probably gonna.





Last night we went to Take A Break for Mike's birthday. The girls wore flowers in their hair. It's nice to stay out until 2 on a Wednesday, sometimes, in a lil Lawerenceville dive.

It was beautiful last night - we were all talking and laughing and drinking and all of a sudden --- "wait wait wait - look at the TV!" Cheering. A roomful of people raising their glasses to the center of the room, toasting. I was sitting against the wall with Ahi, resting my chin on her shoulder and holding her hand, watching Barack's speech. It felt like the quiet part of the storm. Everyone called their mom at the same time.

"I guess this is as good as a time as any," Erin said, bringing out the jell-o shots.

I feel like I've been pregnant for ten years (I guess eight, to be exact) and I'm scheduled for a cesarian today. Will it be something good? Or something more Rosemary's baby-like?

"Are you going to class tomorrow?"
"Are you kidding me?? Cher's gonna be on The View."
"Oh crap. I guess I'm not going either."

--

Today will be fun. I love when I have social engagements planned throughout the day.

--

Walker said: "Everything brings you back. Jesus."

I've been thinking about it more. I'm not a sentimentalist - I don't hang onto old trinkets and tokens. If you can't use it, throw it away. I have only a few photographs of friends on display: John post-wrasslin', Alex in his tiger suit, Callum as a "happy senseless child", and one from a photo booth in between Barcelona and Paris. And every time I open my wallet I see Kevin's dumb little face (meant in the best way possible). I wonder if I'm still in his wallet. I would say probably not.

I guess I am a nostalgist, which is worse in my book. I can't help it. I can't help but think how beautiful things used to be - how beautiful things still are, I should say. I don't know why I do it, but I always think of how much I love my old friends and how poorly they think of me. Yell at me if you will. Lisa did: "Taylor, remember, you hate them! You left them. You left for a reason." Ah, but it's not really true. I mean it is. But it's not. People like you more once you leave - that is true - but it doesn't mean they ever call.

"I really made a mess of myself this summer." That's still true, but it was fun while it was happening, most of the time.



Anyway, the point of this was that I make pithy art that no one else cares about.

--

Oh, Christ - mostly I just think about what I can make to eat that requires the least possible effort. Life is good. But attention Pittsburgh fucks: this is a legit example of 'emo'. Take note, for God's sake, and quit throwing it around like you know what the fuck you're talking about.

I told my friend I would be the girl that falls asleep at the party, and I was right.

She propped a bong made out of a Goldschläger bottle on my sleeping body spread across her lap 'cause she needed help holding it. Friendship.

I love when I am in bed by 11:30.

--

Funny moment: Jen and I sitting on either side of Paul, squished on this lil bench. We're both squealing and laughing and telling secrets into his ears. Poor Pauly - he's like the dad to two twin thirteen-year-old boy crazy girls.

--

My friend mentioned in passing during a conversation about something else this great date he went on with his now-girlfriend where they ate hot wings and had sex.

That's beautiful, I said. You should write a haiku about that.

Behold:

hot sauce on crumpled
sheets pulsate with the weight of
guacamole stains



I died.