A big let down in my life recently: that I do not have my car with me, and I can not drive around and listen to music at high volumes with the windows down.

Take deep breaths and waste sweet seconds
The late day beckons, the late day beckons
And if you try to save it, it'll slip away
Spend seven nights like Saturday

Yawn, yawn, yawn, we're all long gone
If we get lucky we'll be dead by dawn
So let's get get get get get get get get get get it on
I wanna get get get get get get get get get get it on


Daaaaamn!

I barely eat anything anymore. Johnny thinks I have a problem. "Well, who doesn't?" I said.

One of those movie moments, last night: sitting around, late at night, doing nothing, we decided to go on a spooky walk. It was true to it's name. Dan carried an old tape player that played scratchy nostalgic piano music - the type of music that would play in a flashback on a Lifetime movie.

We watched two people make out/begin to have sex in the stair hallway of a fraternity house. The four of us, by the stop sign, with the tape player, all looking into the window, mesmerized. Some people we knew walked by us. "Hey what's going o-- oh my god look at that!" and they joined our sidewalk crowd.

Also, for the record: Lexi burned me so bad as she was walking away. I haven't been had like that in years. And from a girl whose skirt was so short we could see the top of her legs, where they swoop in, you know?





Recently on repeat:
"When I accelerate, I remember why it's good to be alive."

This completely sums up the state of modern communication / demise of personal relationships / startling lack of formality:

A friend of mine wrote me a letter and mentioned a conversation between her and one of her best friends:

"...the point of me telling you this is because he told me in a facebook message - asshole. Cameron and Brittanie are 'getting hitched' because 'she's preggers.' "







My mind. Blown.

---

I got 13 albums for free. Not something I should brag about, but I am.

From one:
"to find someone you love,
you gotta be someone you love.
stay high if you have to.
do whatever it asks you."

It's simple. It's catchy. It rhymes. It can be given more meaning than it actually has. All the perfect ingredients to a good song.



I bonded with someone over Smog (WWSS?).
I went to an adult party. They really hate places where you can smoke inside.
I look good with a baby. Just sayin'.
"This weight was a gift."
No more late-night inebriated posts.

Mass Media Infiltration, pt. 2:

Yo dudes: I made a comic and it's in a compilation of my classmates' work. You can buy it here for $8.53. (A preview.)To put this in perspective, that is money you could spend on one movie ticket + one drink, two combo meals at Whataburger, a box of tampons, three beers with no tip, or lipgloss. So don't buy any of those things the next time you want to, buy this book instead, and you'll still come out even.

---

1. There is a really hopefully, exciting energy floating around my friends lately. It's very cavalier, it's very fun-focused, it's very inspiring. It is the most amazing feeling, to be constantly inspired and revved and excited by the people you are actually friends with. I know and am friends with and get to laugh with and sleep over with so many talented people. I need to step up my game big time.

2. I have officially deemed March 27th, 2008, as Fake Day. Nothing seemed real today. I never got dressed because I didn't feel the need to justify this day with an actual outfit.

3. "Throw your homework onto the fire - come out and find the one you love." Once again Moz hits it on the head perfectly.

4. Finally, a shout out to my boys:

I knew it since the beginning.

jeez, i haven't been to a show in like, forever. audrey chatted up the citay singer without knowing it.

i am a weeeeeeirdo, sorry.

ummm i forgot the real point i was going to make here. goodnight. also: i'm twenty-one. whuddafuxup.





a text i sent myself that night:
"Jen trying it dry her fake ID out the car window. going to a show. I don't have a camera so this will have to do."



OH YEAH and ted gave me the most amazing purse with actual pony legs embroidered into it. i thought i was the only one!

It's fun to make people you know do bridges and then take pictures of them. Also: people you don't know.



"Why pamper life's complexities when the leather runs smooth in the passenger seat?"
Sing it, Moz.



It's beautiful outside - this makes me feel like trying to deal with my life. If you'll excuse me, I gotta put on a skirt.

TRUE THEN, TRUE NOW.

I'm not an exhibitionist - so it's embarrassing for me to show my work where I'm like naked and flopping around. And have everyone stare at it for the twenty minutes me discuss it. Speaking of. Actually there have been a lot of examples recently. "Girl who draws herself naked all the time" is definitely an art school archetype (stereotype?), and one of my least faves. Ugh, me.

I use my friends, sometimes, and all my friends are thin girls with brown hair. So everyone still think it's me.

I'm in drawing class right now. A girl five feet away from me has multiple naked picture print-outs (color, 8 x 11), of ME. And she is drawing huge naked pictures, OF ME. In class. And she is a good draftswoman, so it looks just. like. ME. Naked.



PERFECT START TO TODAY THANK YOU LIFE FOR EVERYTHING.



Why should a sentence like "I'm tired of having sex with girls I don't like" hold any more weight than "It's hot outside today"? They are the same. It feels good to give it away.

Yeah, I said that, and it's something I've believed for a long time, but now I don't know. I listened to girls overstay their welcome last night and talk about real things like they were nothing and all I could think was "yuck." There's an art to everything.







also, some other small things:
- Me: "I just want to like rip off the wedding dress and RUN." She: "PERFECT ANALOGY."
- Yesterday Audrey and I, each weighed down by books, water bottles, coats, food, other things, tried to pick up a tampon off the ground of the (full) computer lab using only our feet. I did a pretty successful rainbow. You shoulda seen it.
- I spoke with Jen in her kitchen about something neither of us had ever spoke about ever before in our lives, to anyone. I don't want to forget that. "These words have never come out of my mouth in this order ever before!"
- "Everything you say could be an all-caps text message and it would still be sage."
- Currently I am having drinks before my 1:30 class because I fucking want to and indulgence goes a long way and I'm sad/young/in college/an artist so I can do whatever I want, right?
- I whine about hating the fact that I am a whiney-baby more than I ever actually am a whiney-baby.
- I bought a record today with the sole purpose of healing.

One of my most favorite things is being woken up in the middle of the night by random text messages. Really. 1) You're drowsy so nothing seems real and the communication is always funnier, and 2) it's like someone poking you, saying, "hey! I'm thinking about you! Even when you are least expecting it!"



"Hey great talking to you earlier. Someone told me recently to always 'follow your bliss.' That person was Jason Shwartzman and I'm passing those inspirational words onto you! Take care."

omg.




California is calling my name, y'all, I can't deny it.

I was woken up this morning by my friend beating me with an inflatable Easter-themed mallet. "Get up get up get up get up get up!"

Then we ran around the house on a (surprisingly intricate) Easter egg hunt. This was my team's clue, after we found and assembled all the pieces:

"Some say you are fat. But it's okay. You eat a lot. Your basket is in your fav. flav. place."

I was the last one to find my basket. By a long shot. Well after the hunt was done, I put on my boots and squealed when I felt something alien in the toe: two more eggs. On the walk back, reaching into my coat pocket to pay for coffee: one last plastic shell.





for me:
- call c.
- write j.
- write f.
- finish animation
- finish paintings
- make posters/e-mails
- PL website stuff?

1.
HAY TAY,
CHIN UP, LIL MAMA!
LOVE TAY

I wrote out a list of everything that is going wrong lately - it was long. I'm t-pressed (my version of depressed). But in an attempt to keep it posi, here's some good things to focus on:

- I had good hugs (2).
- I read something beautiful and my chest tightened a bit. It was hopeful.
- I had good talks with friends ("oh yeah I have friends! and they like me usually!")
- good talk with my mama about real things. lots of laughing.
- at some point in my life i will probably be much more depressed than now. so i should be living this up while i can.
- at some point in my life i will be much happier, and i will think about this and laugh at myself for being lamezor
- you can't win 'em all. school can s my d. i'm trying my best here.
- speaking of which i've got like a month left, pretty much.
- i won a dollar in a bet concerning male lactation.
- i just downloaded a lot of albums i am excited about, for freeee
- lisa said i was the most eligible bachelorette (which, whoa, how weird does that word sound? bachelor. insane.) and while i don't know if that is actually true it was nice to hear
- mfa thesis show was good, thank god.
- saw nick and had a friendly chat
- saw vika. "hey can we all hang out and actually be friends again?" adorable.
- ted told me he had a present for me!
- i will be sleeping soon

so many more good things happened today than I realized.

2. One of my friends said to me, "I'm tired of having sex with girls I don't like." I like when people say intimate or embarrassing things plainly, like they are just another thing that exists in the world. Because they are. Why lie, you know? So: that is one inspiring thing to focus on and try to incorporate into my life. Why should a sentence like "I'm tired of having sex with girls I don't like" hold any more weight than "It's hot outside today"? They are the same. It feels good to give it away.

3. What Would Smog Say? (just for yuks):
Well it's rough, baby, to live
And it's hard, baby, to survive
Everyday lately,
my minds feels like glass
Ready to be smashed
I'm ready to be smashed

Sometimes I lock myself up in my room -
don't come over.
When I listen to a record -
I stare at the cover.
Don't come over.
Don't come over.

Today: two stories about awkward introductions.

1. When I was in L.A., John introduced me to every one I met this way: "This is my ol' friend Tay-Tay from back home, she knew me before my balls dropped!" To which everyone would reply: "Uh.... well, nice to meet you... Tay-Tay?"

"Well you never know," his boss said after I told her my name was not actually Tay-Tay. "Parents name their kids all sorts of weird things."

It wasn't just college boys he did this to; I met an entire office of middle aged woman in this manner, John all talking about balls.


2. Weeks and weeks ago at a party, I made a joke to my friend about how I wanted to date this boy I didn't know so I could have access to his closet. Ever the pot-stirrer, she made her way over to him later, pointed me out from across the room, and slurred, "Sssshe wants to sshare yer shurts!" I always wonder what he must think about me when we speak. "Is there an ulterior motive here? Why is this girl so into my shirts?"

---

Actually, I just ran into that boy and I was instantly enamored with him because he knows the names of different types of plaids. He doesn't even know how much that endeared him to me. I feel like I'm always trying to talk to people and hit a wall because words like chambray, gingham, seersucker, petticoat, etc., mean nothing to them. Especially boys, obviously.

"I thought petite meant fat until like a week ago." - John

---
Okay, this is actually about hip-hop, but it makes me hurt for my good friends:

I met this girl, when I was ten years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She was old school, when I was just a shorty
Never knew throughout my life she would be there for me on the regular
Not a church girl, she was secular.
Not about the money, no studs was mic checkin her
But I respected her, she hit me in the heart
A few New York niggas had did her in the park
But she was there for me, and I was there for her
Pull out a chair for her, turn on the air for her
and just cool out, cool out and listen to her
Sittin on a bone, wishin that I could do her
Eventually if it was meant to be, then it would be
because we related, physically and mentally
And she was fun then, I'd be geeked when she'd come around
Slim was fresh yo, when she was underground
Original, pure untampered and down sister
Boy I tell ya, I miss her

Today is the first day of spring. I feel like shit.

I just woke up after forty minutes of pressing snooze. Last night Paul came over for a nightcap after a rough day and the next thing I knew he had left and then somehow it was four a.m. and I was still dicking around in my room. How??? I have no idea. I was supposed to make a painting last night. I was supposed to make a comprehensive sketch for another class. That definitely didn't happen. I probably discussed this with Lisa on the phone, slurring everything 'cause I was in bed: "You can't work all the time youu gotta have funnnnn." I fell asleep listening to an Italian movie just for kicks.

And: my nose is bleeding!

I gotta go to class in fifteen minutes and then leave immediately.

Edit: I could not bring myself to go. I'm sitting in my room wearing my coat over pajamas and I could not go.

All I will say is, today I woke up with burnt bangs and a bloody nose. Nothing else needs mentioning.

Also:

By designer/illustrator Frank Chimero.

First thing I saw upon waking.


L.A. diet.


I sent John this postcard forever ago.


This is what faculty meetings look like at LMU. You may not be able to see, but there is a flower vase, fancy cookies, beautiful place mats, etc etc. It's this type of thing that makes me hate Pittsburgh a little bit; it's always the person showing up to the cocktail party with a big stain on its (wrinkled) shirt.





Aw friends. This picture was taken around 7 am. John is one of my very best friends: I always forget because we live on opposite coasts and he's always fucking things up - he lost my phone twice during this trip. (It's unclear who was responsible the second time, but common sense says John.) But then again, I can pester him relentlessly. After a few rounds of "shut the FUCK. UP." it's clear again. I grabbed onto John when we was annoyed with me and wouldn't let him out of my hug. "Tell me something you like about me," I said. He gave me a wet willy.



(It just occurred to me: I didn't take a picture with Bill and Jessica. You guys! That is a travesty!)

The most miserable part of my day is, by far, getting out of bed into a freezing room. All I can think about is the Smog line (What Would Smog Say?): "Without her clothes she looked like a leper in the snow."

I miss sharing a bed. I slept with Audrey last night because I didn't want to sleep in my lonely room. She laughs in her sleep.

pictures soon!

I've been having to send posts from my phone because I've been running around the city and don't put "get to a computer and write something brilliant" anywhere near the top of my priorities list. I like to post from my phone, though - it's like writing a haiku: you gotta get to the essence of something in a very small amount of space. L.A. has been wonderful - much more than I expected, to tell you the truth.

I stil don't have much time to sit and write - John is playing Jesus (Lord and Savior) in a Passion play during mass tonight. It starts in forty minutes. He hasn't even begun to look at the script. I saw the JWeems nervous face (extremely rare) as he left for the church, all dressed in white.


Earlier on our trip, John said some crass joke to me, and a girl said "Ew! Aren't you guys COUSINS?!?!" Well, no. But almost, I said.

(Also, I am still OBSESSED with Chris Brown. I haven't had a celebrity crush like this in... ever. All I wanna do is watch his videos and dance like him and download a wallpaper of him to put on my desktop. Jeez.)

Everything is crazy crazy crazy. I was in a shit mood earlier today: all I wanted to do was listen to Chris Brown and say "FUCK." But now the day has changed for the better! No time!

Ponylegs.com --- finally being reborn.

(I posted this from L.A. well before midnight. It's the timestamp.)

I

I haven't stayed up late enough to see the sky start to turn pink in... i don't even know if i have before. falling into bed at seven am, i couldn't help but feel content, all things considered.

The

The slang here is insane - it's all drug related. maybe it's just the crowd i've been running with.

Everything

Everything is beautiful. people, places, things too, probably.

I

I couldn't be leaving pittsburgh at a better time. my skin is gray and i'm hurting for a change of scenery. i'm excited for l.a. - i always have many more good friends than i give myself credit for.

I watched "Deerhunter" and was blown away.


"This is this. This ain't something else. This is this."

If you were wondering what to have for breakfast, this is not the answer:

Two microwavable Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, yogurt, flamin' hot cheetos, and tea (both hot and iced).

My computer is broken and in the shop.

My birthday celebrations are officially over... until I go to L.A.

I'd say it was a successful party: all the food was eaten, there were drinks left over, we cleaned before bed, and I was sufficiently weird to people I wanted to impress (per usual).

I'd also say the mark of a good friend is the one that knows when to swoop in and rescue you from a sticky situation. That being said, I love making things unawkward. A chic kiss on the cheek hello and a 'nice to see you' -- that's all you need. Then cut your losses and go mingle elsewhere. Weirdos everywhere, take note.

Best.

Mass Media Infiltration:

1.


I drew that. At the end of my birthday-bar-hopping last night, I felt the need to e-mail Kevin and go on and on about how good it looked. And then I texted him telling him the same thing, to make sure he knew how I really felt.

2. I was lucky enough to collaborate with my friend Jen on a design for a billboard -- and our design won the contest! So, our art will be on a billboard in Pittsburgh sometime soon. Pictures to follow, of course, but here's what it will look like.

3. Apparently a stop-motion animation I made last year is going to be proposed to the marketing directors of Giant Eagle as a potential TV commercial. This is tricky for a lot of reasons, because I "collaborated" with some girl on this project and she's the one that knows the guy that knows a guy, or whatever. I don't trust her to make any kind of smart deal at all.

"Are we getting paid for this?" I said.
"I don't know, that would be cool, huh?" she said.
"Uh, no... we better get paid."

It's close to my heart because it was my project idea, I set it up, I did edited the music, I put all the images together on the computer/fixed the problems, etc etc.


---


Miley Cyrus' "See You Again" is definitely the new "Pieces of Me." I've been listening to it for an hour.

"You asked what's wrong with me,
My best friend Leslie says:
'She just being Miley.' "

Dear lord, I am twenty-one years old.

I already woke up with a case of "too much birthday" a la the Bearenstein Bears.



A BIRTHDAY RETROSPECTIVE:
20th - Lisa made me burritos (and all the sides) at her apartment and her friends came over. They brought me little gifts, which was sweet. I made delicious muffins with fruit in them to pass out at school because I was bummed out.

19th - Party at Jamie's apartment. I wore a cute dress and looked like someone had punched me in the face. Most memorable moments: 1) a girl I don't like or even know very well having sex with Jamie's neighbor in front of an open window that faces a porch where all my friends stood and watched, 2) Alex passing out in the bathroom and Eric tenderly placing the bathmat over him, and 3) leaving the party solely to make-out, coming back with Whataburger (to distract people from my absence/hickey). Man. Remember how that apartment smells? It just came back to me.

18th - I don't remember, but thinking about the times, a good guess is that I had dinner at Lupe Tortilla's and then a party at Tracy's beach house? I probably did something nice with Walker. That sounds plausible.

[EDIT: Thanks to Amanda's lovely prompting, I now remember. I can't believe I forgot this story, because it's one of my favorite stories to tell. Short version: Amanda and Walker rented a house for the weekend in Wimberly, TX. Walker made a beautiful dinner that Amanda and I promptly vomited all over the house. There was one especially tender moment where Amanda and I, kneeling in front of the same toilet, take a pause from our retching. I hand Amanda a paper towel so she can wipe her face. She flushes it. The toilet then backs up and overflows - chaos returns. Next morning, we "bite our upper lip and put sunglasses on," as the saying goes, and hightail it out of there. Thirty minutes later I crash my car into Walker's and total it, severely damaging mine. Great birthday.]

17th - ...? I think I had friends up to my lakehouse. I know that happened at some point so I'm going to say it was for my birthday. 2004 was a good year for me, so I probably enjoyed it.

16th - I had a surprise party at Lupe Tortilla's that I knew all about. I didn't want to go.

15th - I don't remember. Who cares. Fifteen was a horrible age. I probably told my parents I hated them and then listened to the Impossibles (inner cringe). I was definitely wearing: skinny jeans, my Gap Kids Christmas sweater, indoor soccer shoes, Bright Eyes t-shirt, and bangs. That was my uniform then.

14th - ? Yeah.... no fucking clue.

13th - ? See above.

12th - There was a Lupe Tortilla's dinner with the friends I had at the time. I only remember because someone took a picture.

11th - ?

10th - Jesus, I have been alive for so long and remember like 2% of anything that happened. No surprise, but I can't remember this birthday, either.

9th - ?

8th - ?

7th - ?

6th - I had a magician in my backyard. I was impressed. Later I learned he was super late and my mom was irate.

5th - I tried to do a flip over the top bar of playhouse in my backyard, but accidently hit my face and hid in my room with a bloody nose.

4th - I told an adult I was getting "prettier and prettier everyday" when she asked me how I was doing.

3rd - ?

2nd - ?

1st - I was a baby and didn't know what was going on. Other people probably had cake.

LOOK WHAT I GOT TO WEAR TODAY!!

APOLOGIES FOR THE SHITTY MYSPACE-ESQUE PICTURE.

Just like that, all my seasonal affective disorder melted away* ----- just like the melting snow!!! Get it?

It's time for me to reintroduce my white lil legs to the world.





* for today, at least.

I had brunch with friends today -- they are all so cute and smart and cutting, I think that is what I appreciate the most about them. They grin over the rims of coffee cups and show their pointy teeth.

Keep it posi, everyone.